I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
