I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
