I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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