So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
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I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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