She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You were trust falling into bushes
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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