It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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