god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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