I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Randomize
