Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
