i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
