Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
