the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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