i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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