Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
