life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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