Betty ford says i'm here all night
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
