My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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