Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
