Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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