When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
