Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
