How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
