i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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