threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
