She is in my trunk
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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