but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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