i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
