where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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