update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
