So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
