so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
