I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
