Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
