Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
