Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
