i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
