ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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