I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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