I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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