based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
