forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Can Purell be used as lube?
my shit smells like andre
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
