M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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