i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
