You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Come share oat with me in your robe
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
