i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I need a burrito and a hug.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
