my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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