So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
