I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.