I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
BRING THE BAGELS