All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
