I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
