I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
