i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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