don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
