i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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