if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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