peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
