im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
