You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
